june 2021

a month goes by again

29th June, 2021

something i often take for granted and something i often forget is the power of silence. 

i spent a few minutes out yesterday, watching as the sky bathed itself in purple. there was a hollow silence then. something quiet. a silence so loud, i felt almost haunted by it. 

i live in a village sixty minutes away from the city. nothing ever happens here. everyone knows everyone. and it is in the evening when our little village is the most silent. 

there is no one on the streets, no one outside of their homes. wrapped in the walls of their room with their families, it is then when we are the quietest. it is then, when our entire village is cloaked with a silence so loud, i find myself the most comforted. 

i found myself standing outside of my home, watching as the sky turn into a kaleidoscope of colors. it is a fascinating thing, truly, when you think about it. the sky turns herself into a mirage of colors, like an artist swirling their paintbrush in a glass jar. they blend against one another so seamlessly.

it is those moments when i look at the sky that i feel my existence holds little weight. it is those moments when i look up at the sky and realize how meaningful and meaningless everything i do truly is. i often take my silences for granted. there is weight in words, of course. and there is even more importance in the presence of a loved one. but those moments when you are truly alone, there is something about it that hurts but warms me. 

i think it was at that moment i realized; more often than not, i am at a crossroad of never truly being happy. even in my happiest moments, i am mourning. mourning for something that was never in my hands, mourning for something i cannot see. but there is happiness. there is warmth. there is so much love that i feel, i wonder if i deserve it. 

i try to accept the fact that perhaps this, too, is something that remains permanent. that even when i am happy, there is something that continues to be amiss. 

it does not change the fact i am happy. or loved. or the fact i deserve to be happy. it does not change the weight of my words or what i do for the people i love. it barely changes who i am. 

perhaps this is simply nothing but a part of me, something i will carry, with every step i take. how i choose to look at it will be my responsibility. is it luggage? is it a burden? do i keep it overhead while i see through the window or do i keep it on my lap, hurting my knees? 

it is all that comes to me. 

i was listening to ocean vuong on on being, with krista tippett, the other day. i found myself almost envious with the way ocean carried himself, with the way he spoke. every word so tenderly, so careful, so full of love. 

(i realized quickly it wasn't envy — it was me wishing i held my words the same way. how do you pick your words so carefully, almost like you're afraid they'd bruise? how openly do you have to love to do that?)

something interesting that stood up to me was when ocean spoke of how we're taught to learn to associate shame with being vulnerable. with how "we police access to ourselves". how our how are you's have changed into something polite, something impersonal, something we ask one another out of necessity. 

it was something i did not think of before. he spoke of how our how are you's had almost failed us. and i thought to myself of all the times i asked someone how they were and of all the times i was asked how i was and thought about all our answers and wondered what we truly meant.  

so how are you? how are you, truly? when was the last time you held yourself? when was the last time you felt? 

it is a terrible thing, i admit. to feel lonely even when we are cared for or loved. to feel lonely especially when we are. when our happiness is subdued by something we cannot explain and don't want to. but maybe we are not so alone in what we feel. 

something i try to find comfort in when i feel lonely are someone’s words. words are a beautiful thing, i think. i have felt oceans moved in me by them and seas divided by a single line of poetry. i have felt entire mountains resurrected in me because of letters. it is a wonderful thing to feel so deeply and then find words that speak for you. 

we have always cared for another and we have always taken care of another. there is loneliness perhaps, clinging onto our backs, wherever we go. but loneliness, too, is a companion. and none of us are truly ever alone. 

i hope you're doing well. i truly do. there is no purpose for these letters, none at all. it is me simply writing what i feel, hoping for some form of meaning and realizing, at the end, it doesn't really exist. 

it is a wonderful thing to be alive, just as it is lonely. there is power in our words and there is power in the way we love and take care of another. there is meaning in everything we do. the human race is ugly, just as it is wonderful. we do terrible things but we are so careful with one another too. we love each other with everything in us and care for one another too.

these letters are nothing more than me just writing words, hoping we find solace in one another.

before i end, there are a few books that ive read over the course of my life that had me holding onto every word. i hope you enjoy them. 

1. on earth, we're briefly gorgeous by ocean vuong.

2. human acts by han kang 

3. kitchen by banana yoshimoto 

and for music, of course, here's a playlist i made for you on spotify.

i realize i need to read more, just as i write and listen to more, just as i exist. the arts, after all, remain a persistent reminder of what we feel and why we exist. 

it is a wonderful thing to feel so deeply and remind ourselves, we live. and because we live, there is so much that we can do, even if the most we can do is exist. that is enough. 

i hope you find something that makes you happy today. and i hope your day today, tomorrow and the days that follow by pass gently. i hope you're doing well. i truly do. 

thank you for reading my words and thank you for letting me write. there is loneliness that follows us everywhere we go but then so does love.

you will always be loved in more ways than one, i truly believe in that.

until we meet again,

fawzul